I miss vodka workout Fridays
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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