i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
