By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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