is your mom at the bar?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she peed on how many people?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
