I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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