I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We were destined to go to rehab together
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
