The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
