you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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