why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
