My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
