I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
