One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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