One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
