So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
