even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
