Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
