Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My penis needs a shock collar
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
