Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
