I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Hippo gnu deer
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
