Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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