i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
