she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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