Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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