I would go down on you faster than GM stock
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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