The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
