The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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