Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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