My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just want nice things and good sex
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
