I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
