She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
