The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I want her autograph on my taint
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
