Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
