the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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