I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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