Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
