My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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