I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
