It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
