no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
