I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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