I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
