i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
