after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
