No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
