I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
