I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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