Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
