Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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