the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
