Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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