The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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