my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
